Me? Afraid? No way!
Me? Afraid? No way!
THE FREEDOM FROM ADMITTING FEAR
Back a few decades ago, I would frequently, loudly declare that: I. Am. Fearless.
I really believed that. Afterall, I could take trips on airplanes; drive the L. A. freeways; talk to strangers; go out on dates. For gosh sakes, I was majoring in art, not afraid of living as a starving artist!
I was arrogant about how fearless I was, boasting to whomever would listen. I considered it one of my best qualities, and no one could have convinced me that I was actually terrified. Nor they would even try.
Those proclamations took place prior to embarking on some serious inner delving. It didn’t take long before I grasped the breadth of the unadmitted fears that were running my life from behind the scenes.
THE SUBTLETY OF FEAR
It felt like an inner whiplash when I realized it was the subtle fears that were actually the big, sneaky ones controlling me. Such things as fear of change; fear of commitment; fear of being authentic; fear of failure; fear of boredom; fear of expressing the real me; fear of deeply connecting with others; fear of losing love; fear of loss of control; fear of being insignificant or living a meaningless life.
And, then there was the jolt of discovering their equally powerful hidden dichotomies: Fear of being the different covered up fear of being the same; fear of change covered up fear of everything being the same; fear of losing love covered up fear of having or being love; fear of living my true purpose covered up fear of a meaningless life; fear of success covered up fear of failure.
Those partners in crime were well camouflaged, cozily settled under a thick protective blanket of fear, with me pretending to be brave. Denial is challenging to admit.
Once I saw what was going on, it was like waking from a winter of hibernation, emerging into a person I knew nothing about.
FEAR’S JOB DESCRIPTION
The fears I was hiding from had a distinct job: Keep me ‘safe,’ in line, separate and numb at all costs. They had perfected signals that only I could hear, and I followed them obediently. Without question, I would robotically reach into my file folder of excuses, justifications, and apologies. I’d say to myself - I don’t have to go on that second date, he was a jerk; I can turn down those opportunities that could lead to my success; I can accidentally ‘forget’ a commitment I made; I can choke down something I know I need to communicate; I can stay in that comfy dead-end job/career/relationship/friendship forever.
And so much more.
However, by awakening and observing those fears for their hidden opposite, understanding what they are really about, hearing their now obvious lies, they started to lose some of their power.
And I started expanding some of my own.
EXPOSING FEAR
Then, I discovered another tactic to bust their despotic swagger: Like anything hidden, they really despise being exposed.
At first it was terrifying to openly talk about them. I would take a breath and address them to their faces as well as behind their backs, to friends and strangers but mostly to myself.
Suddenly, they started having less control over me.
The more I didn’t hold back, expressing myself even though embarrassed and often humiliated, the more I witnessed how ridiculous they were. Listening to myself reveal them, I realized they were nothing new; they were simply a puzzle-piece in an ongoing life pattern. They were the culprits that had been stopping me forever in sly and extreme ways.
Plus, each time I risked voluntarily sharing my fears, I could see beyond their surface and determine what they were really about. Their camo would fall off, exposing their naked, weak, vulnerable, helpless selves. It was laughable to see their swollen-with-pride glory deflate before my eyes.
WHAT HAPPENED
No matter how many times this would happen, it was always shocking: The fears I would excavate were always the exact opposite of what I assumed they were about.
A perfect example happened years ago when I was approached to be someone’s business partner. I had never owned or run this type of company, so it was terrifying. What if I couldn’t do my part? What if it failed and I lost my investment? What if I didn’t have time between teaching to devote to this venture? What if people laughed at me for embarking on such a risky (read: silly) undertaking? What if my partner flaked and I was left holding the bag?
All those fears were reasonable and sounded like logical concerns.
However, I knew in my heart that this project was what I was supposed to be committing to. It was the next part of my life’s purpose and there was a Bigger Reason that I sensed would unfold in time.
So instead of wallowing, believing, or giving energy to that slew of insistent fears, I listened to my own advice: Without censure, I took a deep breath and chose to verbalize my fears with my potential business partner, who also happened to be one of my Perfect Life Awakening students.
Part of what I teach in my program is how to be present for others when they just need to express their fears and buttons. Obediently, she listened without trying to use logic to change my mind. She didn’t try to convince me that we would be successful. She made no attempt to rescue me or assure me that everything would be alright.
Rather, she just sat quietly, radiating compassion and loving, caring intent.
I heard myself regurgitate the same fears I had always let stop me in my tracks. When I listened harder, an insistent thought came to me: You are a failure. You will always be a failure. Don’t risk it!
That negative (untrue) belief took me down a long, winding path of inner delving to discover its origins. When I reached the final curve, I saw what was actually going on: My real fear was fear of success.
Bingo!
It was a tough ‘truth’ to admit, but I knew it was an accurate false belief. I grokked that the subconscious culprit has always been fear of success covered over by the more “acceptable,” easily identifiable and unarguable fear of failure.
Once I allowed myself to know and feel that, everything shifted. I didn’t have to play the fear of failure game with myself or anyone anymore. More importantly, by being aware of the false notion that had been running me, it was busted. It lost its power. It couldn’t control me anymore. Nanny-nanny-nanny!
Although it had taken its sweet time to surface, it was simple and simply amazing. It was like letting the air out of a helium-filled balloon. The more I discovered and admitted my real fears, fears that were not at all what I thought they were, the weaker that deflating balloon became. It was no longer bouncing up and down, yanking me along, telling me where to go, what to do, what to say.
Eventually, it became a powerless blob of brightly colored rubber with a limp string.
By discovering and admitting your real fears and what they are really about you will free yourself from what’s stopping you! Deserve to deflate your own balloon!
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Royce Morales, "The Awakener" is creator of the Perfect Life Awakening Program, author of three books about her teachings and writes for several publications.
Host of two Om Times Media Podcasts “The Perfect Life Awakening Show" and “It’s All Mirrors!” airing every Wednesday at 9:00 a.m. PST on OM Times Media. Watch here and listen on iHeartRadio
Perfect Life Awakening Mission Statement
Perfect Life Awakening is a spiritually based, time-tested program to empower personal transformation by neutralizing the origins of triggers. At the heart of our mission is discovering our authentic selves to inspire and usher in the spiritual evolution of humanity.